I’d Rather Clean the Toilets

I'd rather clean the toilets

I value health and nutrition deeply. Providing nourishing meals for my family is genuinely important to me. There's just one problem. I really hate cooking. As in, I would rather clean the toilets!

When I was working full time in the corporate world and under huge pressure, healthy home-cooked meals were the first thing to go. And every time I reached for another shortcut, I felt it, that low hum of being out of alignment with who I wanted to be.

What shifted for me wasn't learning to love cooking. I still don't. What shifted was a single question: not "what do I want to achieve?" but "who do I want to be?"

I stopped thinking about cooking as a task on my to-do list and started seeing it as an expression of who I am. I am someone who values health. I am someone who nourishes her family. On the days when I'd rather do absolutely anything else, that identity is what gets me into the kitchen.

The gap between your values and your actions

Most of us are living with a version of this gap. We say we value something - our health, our family, our relationships - but our daily actions tell a different story. We stay in the office until 8pm and then wonder why we feel disconnected from the people we love most. We say health matters but we're running on caffeine and convenience food.

That gap has a feeling. It's called incongruence. And if you've ever lived there for a sustained period of time, you know exactly what it feels like. A quiet but persistent sense that something is off. That you're not quite living as yourself.

The problem isn't usually a lack of willpower. It's that we're focused on what we want to do rather than who we want to be. And those are very different things.

But here's where it starts. You've got to want something for yourself. Not for your boss, not for your parents, not because you should. A genuine desire to enjoy your life, to be healthy, to be more present, to start a new business. That wanting is the seed. What you do with it next is where most people get stuck.

Identity as motivation

Most people wait until they feel motivated to act. But motivation is unreliable. It's rarely there when you need it most, on the dark January morning or the Tuesday evening when you’re exhausted.

The key isn't to wait for motivation. It's to start acting like the person you want to become, right now, even if you don’t feel ready.

Take health as an example. If you decide that you are someone who takes care of yourself, and you commit to two small behaviours that reflect that, a 30 minute walk, more vegetables on the plate, something starts to shift. Not just physically, but in how you see yourself. Every time you follow through, even imperfectly, you are casting a vote for a new identity. And that identity starts to fuel the next action, and the next.

This is backed by neuroscience. In Atomic Habits, James Clear writes that every action you take is a vote for the type of person you want to become. Your brain builds neural pathways based on repeated behaviour, which means that every time you act in alignment with your values, even on the days when you don’t want to, you are literally rewiring yourself. Identity isn't something you arrive at. It's something you build, one small action at a time.

That's why the question "who do I want to be?" is so powerful. It shifts the focus from outcomes to identity. And identity, it turns out, is a far more sustainable source of motivation than willpower.

The daily dance

This isn't a one-time shift. It's a practice. Some days you show up as the person you want to be. Other days life gets in the way and you respond on autopilot, reactive, rushed, running on empty.

The goal isn't perfection. It's return. Noticing when you've drifted and coming back, without judgment, to the person you've chosen to become. That's the daily dance.

A simple place to start is with your language. Think about the role where you feel the biggest gap between who you are and who you want to be. Maybe it's as a parent -  instead of "I want to be less reactive with my kids", try "I am someone who pauses before I respond." Maybe it's as a leader - instead of "I want to stop saying yes to everything", try "I am someone who says yes intentionally."

Small shifts, completely different relationship to the behaviour. You're no longer chasing a future version of yourself. You're already becoming that person.

So here's the question worth sitting with today: who do you want to be - as a leader, a parent, a partner, a person? And what is one small action you could take this week that votes for that identity?  Even on days when you’d rather clean the toilets!